Andai itu takdirnya - Part 1

It has been a year plus...still fresh in our memory..I have been trying very hard to gather my strength to put this in writing..


9/11/2009

Hubby keep on complaining discomfort in his ear. It started from his trip to Penang. The pressure just did not go off. He went to clinics. macam2 diagnose. ada yang suggest to do hearing test. Hubby then request for referral to ENT. First visit to Dr Azim, he was given drops. Due to his hectic schedule, hubby keep on delaying the follow up visit. Our Raya this year was the worst ever..Hubby spent most of the time sleeping. Masa tu bengang, plus MIL buat perangai pelik(oppss..off record). After raya, hubby went to see Dr Azim again. I was at the office when he called. Kena admit sebab esok Dr nak buat biopsy..I was shocked..kenapa pergi hospital tak bagi tahu..Hari ni free, boss pun tak ada, so he just went out and jumpa Dr Azim. I then said, wait there, I will see you at SMC. Hubby said no need because he is going back home and back to hospital after maghrib

10/11/2009

Next morning, the minor surgery went on with me alone waiting for him outside the OT reciting surah Yaasin..I just don't feel right but still keep on doa no bad news. Dr said can discharge esok and result another one week.

11/11/2009

Hubby was discharged

Photo : Hubby still busy with his phone.
18/11/2009

A week later, I was at IKEA busy shopping for TM's family day prizes when hubby called.

Hubby : Ada kat mana?
Me : Kat luar beli hadiah family day (nak sebut IKEA malu sebab nanti dia ingat saya memonteng) . Nape?
Hubby : Dah dapat result biopsy. Dr cakap confirm cancer (rasa macam kena panah petir masa tu but I tried to be cool). Nak mintak check something. Nanti dah sampai office call la..
Me : ok insyaallah

Rasa macam nak pitam, but I tried to control myself..cuba cari kerusi/bench tapi tak nampak. Bila dah jumpa bench, duduk and think think think..dah tak ada mood..Bila Wan tanya pendapat, I cannot response..dah lost

Settle beli barang at IKEA, we had lunch and went to surau to perform solat zohor. Then the moment dahi sujud ke lantai, secara automatik I cried..Ya Allah..beri lah aku kekuatan..show me the best way for me to handle the situation..Ya Allah..I cry, cry and cry
On the way back, singgah lagi kedai..hubby called again..

Hubby : dah sampai office
me : belum
Hubby : Dr dah referkan ke SJMC kena pergi esok
Me : ok..nanti balik kita discuss

Reach my office, terus gi surau untuk solat Asar..there I go..cry cry and cry..nak keluar sangat, keluar laa..nanti balik rumah, jangan berani nak keluarkan air mata depan husband

Ya Allah..please give me strength

On the way back, singgah rumah Kak Faridah untuk hantar cup cake. dah janji nak bagi cup cake untuk pernikahan Nurul..Kak, esok kalau sempat saya datang ye sebab saya ada hal

Balik rumah, hubby dah siap mandi dan berbaju melayu dah ready nak pergi surau macam biasa..tapi dok mengadap laptop..Allah..he looked so cool..

Hubby : dah google ni terms yang Dr bagi..tengok laa
Me : (gigil-gigil tapi control and tengok baca- baca)
Hubby : esok pergi SJMC..nasib baik dapat refer SJMC..kalau kena pergi Damansara Specialist, jauhnya..
Me : Nanti malam ni mama cuba search lagi info (sambil ambik kertas yang Dr tulis)

I regret..I was not with him when Dr broke the news..I regret this I regret that.. Allah..ampunkan dosa2 ku Ya Allah

After solat maghrib, solat sunat, solat taubat, solat hajat..doa doa doa doa..

Call Along, to inform him..mujur tak meraung..Along terkejut but can still remain calm..Tak pe esok Along datang rumah petang2 sebab kebetulan Along ada kerja somewhere in Glenmarie..hu hu..sayang Along..walaupun kami nampak not that close, he is actually a very caring brother..berbaloi ada abang sorang

Call Sahrom, request to reschedule our Unifi installation. Manage to nego time instead of pagi, change to 2pm..

Hari ni, nothing much nak cakap..banyak cakap dalam hati..just update husband about the unifi installation. Since this is for trial purposes and we already commit to our company, kena teruskan jugak..

19/11/2009

Hari ni result UPSR akan keluar. Ikut jadual, they will anounce the result at 12 noon.

We went to SJMC to see Dr Kamal , Oncologist at Cancer Centre SJMC. Dr Kamal is a very simple person and straight forward.I hope I can make it to be with Adik when she got her result.
Macam2 question from him, this that this that..last sekali, bila husband cakap, I was diagnosed to have Nasopharynx Cancer, Dr Kamal terus cakap, ok whats next..

He brief us what are the next step of action...You have to go thru 35 times IMRT everyday except on weekends, and chemo 7 times on every thursday. Dr Kamal asked, do you want to go thru the treatment? Hubby jawab ' ye'.. ok..isi borang sign sini..I watched my husband signed the form with shivering hands, i feel like my chest is going to explode. We have made our own decision without consulting anyone..except Dr Kamal

Dr Kamal said

Ok..we need to do 3 things :
1. Bone scan
2. CT scan
3. MRI

Are you free right now?

Me : Dr, before that, nak tanya, we actually have paid to go to Korea..can we go or not advisable to go?

Dr : bila tu?

Me : Esok

Dr : boleh pergi..tak ada apa...come and see me when you are back from Korea

Me : Hari ni kitorang free Dr..buat dulu yang mana boleh

Dr and his nurse checked the schedule .

Dr : we can do immediately the bone scan. And he explained the process..what time is your flight tomorrow?

Me : 12 malam..lepas maghrib dah kena pergi airport

Dr : Can we do the MRI esok pukul 2?

Hubby : boleh Dr

Dr : when will you be back here?

Me : Rabu next week Dr

Dr : okay..come back on thursday, will do the CT scan and in the afternoon, go to RT centre and they will brief you there..kena buat mask for the IMRT..(even though rasa macam tak berapa faham, but I tried to make myself understand..angguk je lah)

Hubby was called to go in for the bone scan..I waited outside..then hubby keluar

Me : dah siap ke?
Hubby : belum..baru masuk ubat. kena tunggu one hour then baru boleh buat scan. Balik dulu lah pergi sekolah tengokkan adik
Me : ok

On my way back from Subang Jaya, pecut kereta kelisa dengan kepala yang berserabut..sms masuk..Ma..adik dapat 5A..Ya Allah..tak sempat nak sampai sekolah..they were way ahead from schedule..nak marah pun ada..air mata tetap keluar dengan laju

Phone rings, mak pulak call..Nurul macam mana? Adik dapat 5A..mak menangis2..kenapa nangis? Aus dapat 4A 1B, Liyana dapat 5A..Alhamdulillah syukur..mak jangan lah nangis..tak tahu ke what I have gone thru for the past 2 days?

Sampai sekolah, ramai dah balik, terus cari Adik..Adik peluk kuat2 and cried ..Ya Allah..beri lah aku semangat dan kekuatan..

The teachers congratulate me..Alhamdulillah..anak2 Puan semuanya dapat 5A..I smiled..Alhamdulillah..dalam hati Allah sahaja yang tahu

Jom adik kita balik. I passed by Surau, tengok ramai orang..baru teringat, ooh anak Kak Faridah nikah. I stopped by, cari Kak Faridah,

Me : kak minta maaf saya baru sampai..
Kak Faridah : tak pe Nor..jom makan..mana yang lain..
Me : Saya dengan Adik je kak..baru ambik dia dari sekolah

Kami makan untuk ambil hati..Duduk dengan Kak Zu (Kak Zu bekas exec hubby)..don't know why, maybe sebab rasa dah nak pecah dada, I told Kak Zu the news sambil keluar air mata..tapi Kak Zu tolong jangan bagi tahu orang ye. Kak Zu cakap, tak pe nanti Kak Zu bagi tahu Haji, bisik2 mintak buat solat hajat kat surau..

Sampai rumah, belum apa2 , the door bell..ting tong..ohh team unifi dah sampai..

They brief me what they want to do, discuss and I more or less agreed, signed the form and they start their work. After solat, I excused myself sebab nak pergi jemput hubby at SJMC.

Pecut lagi kelisa to Subang Jaya. Hubby called when I was just right infront of SJMC

Hubby : kat mana
Me : baru sampai
Hubby : tak payah parking..dah siap
Me : ok..ada kat depan

Kami balik ke Shah Alam.

Hubby : nak tukar duit Korea berapa?
Me : hah? oh ye..ikut la berapa pun

We stopped by at Plaza Masalam Seksyen 9, tukar duit, then ke rojak Karim, beli rojak untuk team Unifi kat rumah

We reached home..ohh..what a mess..lecehnya pasang unifi..they are still experimenting this and that..dah nama pun trial..proud to be one of the early user of Unifi..20M pulak tu

Along datang, brief him on the treatment and schedule..I know Along nak bagi moral support

Along : esok petang Along pergi SJMC..
Me : tak payah la Long..Rashid nak buat MRI je
Along : Along nak tahu tempat, lepas ni senang nak pergi
Me : ok

The unifi installation completed at 9pm..there was some technical problem here and there..rasa macam nak suruh balik..tahu tak kepala saya ni serabut..

Lucky I have done with the packing during the weekend, so tak de lah kelamkabut sangat..malam tu check temperature Seoul..ohh..I have to re do the packing..temperature expected to be below 2 degrees..That night, I went downstairs and saw Abang was watching TV..

Me : Abang..mama nak bagi tahu Abang ni
Abang : ??
Me : Ayah ada cancer
Abang : ??speechless
I hugged him..Abang lah kekuatan mama..
Me : I only share this with you..don't tell kakak and adik tau
Abang angguk..Don't worry..Ayah will go thru the treatment, insyaallah mama yakin ayah akan sembuh

20/11/2009

Kebetulan ada meeting di HQ, so pergi HQ with husband. Lunch time kami terus ke Subang Jaya, hubby solat Jumaat di masjid opposite Subang Parade, while I stay in the car..habis solat, we rushed to SJMC sebab appointment MRI at 2pm. Lama juga tunggu, Hubby dipanggil masuk dalam..resah, I have not performed my solat zohor..macam mana nak bawa 2 laptop ni..tiba2 Along call, guide him to radiologist area..Along tanya itu ini..hu hu..jangan tanya banyak2..Along tolong jaga laptop, saya nak pegi solat..lega..Along had come to the rescue

While waiting for hubby, I called the children to take their dinner, get themselves ready. Lucky budak2 ni dah besar dan tahu urus diri sendiri. We reached home around 6pm, makan2 mandi and siap2..dah janji cab datang lepas maghrib.

Off we go to KLIA and to Seoul..Hubby nampak cool but only Allah knows whats in his mind..

25/11/2009

We are back..Abang had a swollen ankle masa balik dari Seoul..Adik had an accident in the bathroom...sink pecah and her feet was bleeding..have to rushed her to emergency..lucky luka tak dalam..
Came back from DEMC, Abang complaint his painful ankle..he can hardly walk..Ya Allah..jangan Engkau duga aku hingga aku tak sanggup untuk memikulnya Ya Allah..

Pesan Abang, call mama kalau sakit sangat,,should have bring him together with Adik..Abang called at 4am, Mama, Abang tak boleh jalan..again rushed to emergency at DEMC..kena jab..Dr suspect gout..ada ke patut

26/11/2009

Went to SJMC for CT scan..settle CT scan, ada appointment with radiologist untuk buat mask for the IMRT. Then we were briefed on the process this and that..Encik kena kuat semangat..Puan kena beri support..kami angguk angguk dan angguk..

Balik rumah dah lewat petang..letihnya Ya Allah..beri lah aku kekuatan..

Selesai solat maghrib, I can't help myself..I cry cry and cry..called the children..

Mama nak bagi tahu ni..Ayah ada cancer..Ayah akan start treatment lepas raya Haji..Abang tenang sebab Abang dah tahu...Kakak menangis bagai nak rak..Adik relax je.,

I have to calm down kakak..Kakak memang rapat dengan Ayah..mungkin terkejut..Adik kenapa adik nampak macam tak terkejut pun..Adik dah tahu..Adik dah dengar Mama dan Ayah cakap masa kat tempat Ginseng kat Korea..Ya Allah..so masa tu macam mana lah perasaan Adik..she did not say a word..tak tanya apa2..

Yuli jengah bilik,

Yuli :kak esok Raya ni nak masak apa?
Me :oh esok raya haji ke? Yuli masak lah apa2 Yuli..Akak tak boleh nak fikir dah ni..
Yuli : Yuli masak ...bla bla bla
Me : apa2 je lah
Yuli : Sabar kak..banyak2 doa ..biar Yuli buat semua

27/11/2009

Kami tak rasa hari ni Hari Raya kalau tak ada solat Aidil Adha

Selesai solat raya, me and hubby sibuk siapkan performance appraisal..

Kami patut balik kampung hari ni tapi belum packing.

Me : Ayah, nak balik tidor melaka atau tidor rumah Kak Nor (ada kenduri kawin)
Ayah : kita tidor melaka, esok tu baru pergi rumah Kak Nor
Me : ok

Kami balik melaka selepas asar..mak dah tahu..Along yang jadi penyampainya sebab saya tak sanggup nak beritahu..takut emosi terlebih..Angah dan Eda dah call to give moral support

Kami attend the wedding with half hearted..I know ada yang tak suka kami ke Korea sebab kononnya dah tahu sakit kenapa pergi jugak..Please don't say anything kalau tak tahu apa2..tak kena kat diri sendiri tak tahu

2/12/2009

bermula lah era saya menjadi choc fudge di office sebab menemankan hubby ke hospital..I have informed my immediate boss..alhamdulillah boss faham..

Today is hubby's first IMRT treatment..ada 34 kali lagi..camana ye?

3/12/2009

His first chemo..I took leave on every thursday sebab expected chemo will take longer time plus kena buat IMRT pulak lepas tu..

When the news spread, friends start calling, sms and email..maaf kalau kami tak dapat nak layan sebaiknya dengan semua pertanyaan..kadang2 saya emo sebab saya rasa soalan tak munasabah untuk saya jawab..memadai lah dengan doa dan fikirkan yang baik dan positive.

At this time baru saya faham adab2 menziarah orang sakit..Masa ni la bermulanya segala2nya kena buat sendiri..alone without hubby..pasar, beli baju sekolah , itu ini..without hubby

7/12/2009

Abang ada Ujian Kelayakan Kemasukan MRSM at Kolej Mara Seremban. After hubby's IMRT, we went straight to Seremban...Sampai KMS, kami rehat di surau, then left hubby to rest at surau, I took Abang to the academic building..Ayah started to vommit..masa ni rasa menyesal pun ada ..tak tahu apa yang dikesalkan..I have to drive back to Shah Alam dengan tak tahu jalan..main redah je..

24/12/2009

Result PMR keluar..lepas uruskan hubby for chemo treatment, I left him at the hospital and back to Shah Alam..pergi sekolah tunggu announce result..lambatnya..selesai dapat result, rushed back to SJMC..masa tu Ayah baru habis chemo..then tunggu for IMRT..

14/1/2010 - Hubby on his last day of chemo . His face was excessively burnt due to IMRT. He started losing weight from first week of treatment.

The drug - cisplatin

His condition is getting worse after the last chemo. He cannot even talk. He cannot drink what more nak makan. He has been taking nesvita, milk and mashed potato for the passed few weeks. yang tukang prepare ni pun dah tak lalu nak tengok

18/1/2010

We went to see Dr Kamal, hubby actually dah nak surrender..tak sanggup..Dr kata boleh stop dulu and sambung bila dah ok..masa tu ada about 5 times IMRT..Dr kata tak boleh stop terus..we then decide, proceed the treatment but Dr kena tolong sebab hubby dah tak ada energy..nak minum pun tak boleh nak cakap pun tak boleh....Dr Kamal cakap, okay u come 2 hours earlier, before buat IMRT, I bagi u drip..ok we agreed. He immediately arrange with day care. While we were at the Day Care Centre, I looked at my husband and said, why not request Dr to admit you, I believe he can help more and saya pun tak susah hati takut apa2 jadi..hubby agreed..

I went out to look for Dr Kamal, told him and he agreed..its better if your husband stays here. Then I can give him nutriflex thru IV. Dr called the nurse, asked them to arrange for a room.

Again, me called Along to inform..Along cakap, jangan pergi mana2 stay there..Along datang. Kalau nak balik Shah Alam pun tunggu Along..

While waiting for the drip to complete, dah dapat bilik, Along pun dah sampai..uruskan hubby masuk bilik dulu. Along tolong alihkan kereta kami, then Along hantar saya balik Shah Alam to pack a few items for hubby. Then he sent me back to SJMC. Kesian Along, came all the way from Ampang..untuk adik dia..every day Along, Angah , Eda dan Mak akan call bertanyalan kabar..at least sms. I was not left alone to handle the situation..I might be strong outside but fragile inside. I need moral support not finding fault or to be blame. Semuanya dari Allah, bukan kami yang minta.

Malam ni overnite hospital. Next morning Abang call..macam mana Abang nak pergi sekolah..hujan lebat..Abang tunggu lah hujan teduh baru pergi..then we decide, i don't have to accompany him overnite. I visited my hubby everyday and went back home at 10pm..only stays oevernite during weekend

Hubby was given a pain killer, anti biotic and drip continously for 2 days before they insert the tube for IV. Dr Kamal informed that nutriflex will cost about RM1k per day..is it ok? tak pe Dr..as long as it can help my husband..at this point of time, I have to make a lot of decision..husband ikut je..he was given nutriflex for 18hours and followed by drip for 6 hours..the routine continues for 2 weeks..I spent most of the time at the hospital..work from hospital..

Dr have to change antibiotics 3 times because the first 2 did not work for my my hubby. After 2weeks, hubby has shown improvement. He can drink water and can talk..Dr stopped the drip..at least hubby is free from drip for 6 hours every day. But still continue with Nutriflex.

18/1 - 6/2/2010 - Admitted

6/2/2010 - Discharge day

Its time to take off the IV
This is the tube(IV)

Alhamdulillah..We managed to go thru the treatment process..Banyak dugaan that we have to go thru..Thank you Allah atas semangat dan kekuatan yang diberikan..

Thank you to my boss for the understanding. my assistant for covering me.thank you to Arlin, Ina Mus and Mas for visiting me every week to cheer me up. And Pyl, Ayu, Ilah and Yati for visiting.

Kawan2 office yang visit dan yang membantu tak kira apa juga bantuan..Not forgetting SJMC staff especially Cancer centre staff..you all are the best

Old friends from Kuantan, came all the way to visit..I am touched..

Hubby lost 17kg after the treatment. Have to go for monthly follow up. After 2 months, did the MRI and the results shows that the cancer cells are gone..alhamdulillah..Hubby will be under close monitoring for 3 years..He is gaining weight and recovering from the side effect..Alhamdulillah